"I dont mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." ~Marilyn Monroe

"I don't mind living in a man's body as long as I can be a woman in it." ~VinVin Jacla

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Tuesday, May 2, 2017

An unforgettable movie date

photo from LovePanky.com

I was checking my IG followers over the long weekend to see which ones I should remove and which ones I should retain when I chanced upon the account of an old college crush.

2005. He was a graduating senior at that time when I first saw him in campus and I was this shy and timid sophomore. He's tall and his dimples made him look so cute whenever he'd smile or laugh, while his eyes would form a curved line making him probably one of the most handsome chinito guys that I had ever seen in school.

We didn't become friends because he's like among the cool kids in school who had their own benches and hang out spots while I was among those people who would spend most of their time either in the library or...well... yeah...just in the library. I just mostly stayed in the library since I also had very very very few friends to hang out with at that time anyway. LOL.

When he graduated that year, I remember crying my heart out to a friend at her dorm telling her how sad and devastated I was...that I'd never see him again...ever....and all those cheesy, hopeless romantic and drama queen-ish lines you could possibly think of.

But I was wrong because 3 years later, in 2008, I saw him again in one of my previous companies and he looked so gay. I was like...chance!!! But, I received a job offer from another company that was a little hard to resist so...well....your guess is as good as mine.

And then 4 years later, I saw him again. In my current company. He's like an AVP while I was an aliping saguiguilid. He didn't look gay anymore and he actually became kinda hunky. I wouldn't describe him that much anymore because I'm pretty sure our common friends would realize who I'm referring to, but, well, you all know that he's chinito. Period. And at that time, he was the hottest, the most handsome guy in the world for me.

To cut the long story, surprisingly, we actually became friends. We worked on a project and everyday as in everyday he would chat with me. Every morning, he would be the first one to say "Good morning" and then before he would leave he'd be the first one to say "Bye" or "Good night." I was always busy and oftentimes rendered overtime work so he would always be the first one to bid me goodbye or to wish me a good night.

We would talk about his family, stuff about school back in the days, or just anything else under the sun. There was even one instance when I was feeling so in love with him that I told him that I loved him. On chat. LOL.

"I love you, M****," I said. He didn't reply for a few seconds but when he finally did, it was just a laugh.


Right there and then, I decided that I should just choose to love him silence. Which I did. Until I received an invitation to an advanced screening of a movie that I had been anticipating for in months.

My friends urged me invite him and I was just really so hesitant to do it. But to cut the long story short again, I did invite him and he said yes but I also invited another friend to come with us. I wasn't ready to go out with him just yet. Just the two of us. Which I knew was foolish but I just wasn't ready yet.

That night, he said he'd go home first to change and that he could just meet us up at the mall. He told me that he wanted to show me something that night as well and I was like...ok. But deep inside my inner goddess was already rejoicing nonchalantly.

An hour before the movie premiere, he arrived wearing tight-fitted jeans and a white tank top. My friend and I just looked at each other because both of us were wearing office clothes. I joked that he looked like a celebrity that night and that he's making me look like his manager and my friend his personal assistant. And then he showed me what he wanted to show me earlier: his new tattoo.

I felt like something was wrong, or that something wrong was gonna happen but I just couldn't figure it out yet at that very moment.

On our way to the cinema, from time to time, he would say hi to some people that he knew and they would chat and we would pause for a short while. He was just so "social" and "famous." Very opposite of me.

He also became the center of attention while we were having dinner at the buffet outside the cinema. Well, who wouldn't notice a tall, handsome chinito hunk wearing a white tank top anyway?

And then came the moment that I had been waiting for: the movie. I was the one who took a seat first and he followed suit. He sat beside me while my friend sat beside him (we sandwiched him). I pulled down the armrest between us since we weren't a couple. I somewhat regretted doing that soonafter. He put on his jacket as the movie was about to start.

The movie was long and I noticed that it somewhat bored him. He would yawn from time to time and whenever I glanced at him I noticed that his eyes were closed with his arms crossed in front of his chest. I dunno why the movie bored him because I loved the movie. I guess we're just really so opposite.

Half an hour before the end of the movie, my friend excused herself and told us that she needed to go because of an emergency. I knew that she was just bluffing and I was right because after she left, she texted me and wished me good luck with the remainder of my "date night."

And so it was just me and him. Finally.

I was waiting for him to take my hand but it never happened. I was waiting for him to extend his arm over my shoulder but he didn't do that as well. The last 30 minutes of the movie were the most agonizing ones for me because my imagination was already clouded with so much giddiness that I was barely functioning properly anymore. I love watching movies and my idea of a perfect date night, aside from having pizza for dinner, is to watch a nice movie.

When the movie ended, he told me that it was too long and that it bored him. I didn't know what to say so I just smiled at him. We exited the cinema and he told me that he parked his car at the other side of the mall. I told him that I left my car in the office (which I always do). He looked at me as he brushed his hair with his fingers. I wanted to ask him if he could give me a lift but I hesitated. He should be the one to offer, I told myself. But he didn't. He just said "Ok."


Since I watch a lot of chic flicks and romcoms, I somewhat expected that he'd give me a goodbye hug or, if I was feeling lucky, a goodbye kiss. Ok. Just a smack on the cheek. Not a kiss on the lips of course. But he didn't. He just bid me goodbye and then he left.

"See you tomorrow," he said.

"See you...."

He said he'd still go with me to my succeeding movie premieres so I invited him again to my next one but he declined. He said he was busy. But that night, one of my friends told me that she saw him at a bar with his friends.

I felt so pathetic.

Months later, he moved to another company and I never saw him again since then. And I also didn't wanna see him again anyway.

Going back....

I knew that it was his birthday a few weeks ago. I greeted him on IG but he didn't respond back, not even with just a simple thank you.

I took one last glance at his account. Lots of travel and party photos here and there.

One last look. And then I decided to block him forever.



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Who is that "gay" I see staring straight back at me...?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show...who I am inside?